Brief pauses of recuperation with both feet in my native country
increased readjustment time in my new home after each return.
With keen eyes of an outside observer I’ve recorded differences and quirks.
Without intending to, my brain keeps a tally.
My desire to go back and forth decreases.
Nonetheless, I can’t bring myself to commit to life in one country only.
I stay in this uncomfortable split.
Muscles ache for a change of position.
A healthy stretch has become a strain.
Cramps have paid frequent visits, turned strain into pain.
Pain gives way to numbness if I don’t move.
Time and gravity have pulled my legs close to ocean’s surface.
Waves lick my thighs.
Similar to sloppy dog kisses that I try to avoid, but deep down crave.
A cool invitation to finally relax.
However, fear dominates.
Fear of giving up old familiar comfort, safety net, an imagined authenticity.
Fear of being uprooted.
Fear of surrendering an essential part of myself.
Fear of plummeting into the Unknown.
My unwillingness to commit invites the Universe to choose for me.
Happenings overseas trigger huge waves.
Their impact makes me lose balance, tosses me off my pedestals.
One last breath
before breakers crash above my head.
I sink into unknown depths
with the awareness
that I was never more present
this particular moment.
About the author
Anja Kerstin Kuentzel,
Advanced Grief Recovery Method specialist, nature lover, photographer, and bilingual wordsmith combines her passions to offer a different perspective on life that might inspire, raise awareness or even heal.